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Literature Text
When I shower, I always wring out my hair afterwards
Because thats what I was taught to do
So that my pillow wouldn't get cold and damp
But now
It's so that my head won't weigh down
So that I can stand straight
Like
I'm
Supposed to
And I need more sleeping pills to keep me dreaming
Keep the lights down low to keep from screaming
But my voice is gone and I can't cry today
And when the sun burns me alive
They think that I'm okay
So,
Just turn off the bathroom lights
And try to find her in the dark
Find her in the mirror
But all I can feel is her still heartbeat worlds and worlds away
I know that she's gone
And in the dark
My own shadow flees from me
Because I'm not worth following
And all thats left is to bathe
And hope that maybe
I'll mistake the tears for water drops
Just scrub my skin raw and rip the vanity out of my flesh
Until I can bleed sanity from every pore
And feel the embrace of the therapeutic spray
I turn the hot water up until I can't hear my own sobs
Mistaking them for the slosh of water against poisoned skin
My skin
And it burns me
It burns like the acid that I drank into my body when I binged with envy
Perspiring it like it was the work of my soul
Shrieking until there was no sloth left in my firewood bones
I would burn this witch within my mortal hide until she screeched with all her devilish pleas
Twisting my own jaw to mediate with the lord
I would exorcise all that I was
Melt it away like candle wax
Down to the wick would I burn her
Burn me
Burn away these sins and thoughts
These needs and wants
These actions and words
I would commit arson of myself and torch until I was a pure dusting of saintly cinders
I screamed into the boiling rain
Slamming my hands against the teasingly cold tile wall
Curling my fingers until I could find a way to endure my punishment
For being so vain
Vanity
It was my definition
My every breath stunk of cheap perfume and sweat
My every thought fogged with need
With hunger
I was to be treasured
Adored
Cherished
I was a child born to be loved
From a maelstrom womb was I conceived
To a sinner's body was I damned
Leviathan cackles through the water pipes
Asmodeous rips at my breast
Astaroth drunkens my strength
But I shall prevail
I turn the hot water knob until I can't anymore
Until I can't feel anything anymore
Until they can't hurt me anymore
I shriek like all of a frothing raving hell hound
My knees shake and I bawl
Blisters hump my lips and shoulders and back
I pound the tile wall until my fists are bruised darker than the lightless bathroom
Filled only with my wailing of repentance
I fall to my knees and scream for mercy
Scream for life and love and light
I am a ball of flame to be saved or forsaken by the lord
Vain
Oh so vain
It drips in the very sweat of my brow
It taints the salt of my tears
Vanity
Vanity
Vanity
I reach up and turn off the shower
Still screaming
Still screaming
I could feel nothing but my own frantic heartbeat
And my brain as it tried to explain to me the definition of a first degree burn
I stepped out of the shower
And did not wring out my hair tonight
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You're so much better than the bitter eloquence you conjure, okay? ^^